Ah, school is out for summer.

After the initial shock � and bottle of White Zin - wore off, Contessa turned to Merlotta for help weathering the next couple of months. After all, Merlotta was the emergency relief block captain during Hurricane Ike. Her yummy tuna baked-bean and just-out-of-date cream cheese casserole save more than a few from dry Cheerios.

"Keep 'em busy," she said, emptying my cat's litter box. "Establish a routine," she added, as I handed her the bag of Tidy Cat. Gotta love a neat-freak friend.

A routine�sorta like Contessa's day, right? First, roll out of bed at the crack of Today Show's closing credits, stumble over to the coffee pot and then head to the sofa to channel surf until it's time to open the wine cooler. After lunch, check out the soaps, and sleep off, er, grab a nap, until The Big Guy comes home with dinner.

"No, activities like camp, classes," she said, picking dog hairs off the drapes. Gotta love a neat-freak friend.

Summer camp is a great idea for Cat! Last year, at Camp I-Wanna-Texta, she learned wilderness survival skills, like how to get four bars in the middle of nowhere and access YouTube Fred videos in between showers and bed-check. After camp, she could take a few summer classes that would prepare her for school, like how to sneak spaghetti-strap shirts past the assistant principal.

The problem was what to do with Pinot and Grigio. They're too old for summer camp, although Contessa considered dropping them off at a roadside band camp. Those young men in orange jump suits looked as if they we're having fun marching in line. I guess the chains around their ankles were supposed to help with precision. Pinot and Grigio might've stayed, too, if that bandleader wasn't so cranky.

I've got to admit, the boys have established a routine. They wake up at noon, check Facebook, watch ESPN for a couple of hours, check Facebook, watch ESPN for a couple of hours, check Facebook, text "what's for dinner?," drive around in their car for a few hours, check Facebook, watch ESPN a couple of hours, sign off Facebook and go to bed.

Actually, Contessa figured out how to occupy their summer, and give them a head start on the year ahead when they share an apartment�cooking lessons!

Our first day began with a tour of the kitchen, introducing the boys to appliances and cookware. I pointed out the coffeemaker, demonstrated how to operate a can opener, and pushed a few buttons on the microwave. Our kitchen lesson was nearly over.

"What�s that?" Pinot asked, pointing to two large rectangles in the wall filled with heat and lined with racks and coils.

"A clothes dryer."

Grigio opened a door to a cabinet housing a turntable. "What in the world...?"

"That's called a lazy Susan."

"Susan, get off your rear and make me a sandwich," Grigio yelled into the cabinet. That worked about as well as it does when he hollers at the Contessa to pick up his dirty socks.

I opened the dishwasher, explaining how we put glassware in the top rack and knives, forks and spoons in a compartment on the bottom.

"What do you put in the open area on the bottom?"

"Empty wine bottles, when the lady from Child Protective Services makes a surprise visit."

They mastered one lesson and were proud to show off. Pinot picked up the phone and punched in a number. Grigio spoke into the receiver, "Could you deliver a large pepperoni?"

Chalk up another mother-sons bonding session.

Danielle Schaaf is the coauthor of "Don't Chew Jesus!" and can be reached at hauteflashcontessa@yahoo.com. She is currently working on her second book, "Fold Your Own Damn Laundry!"