Being a Christian and divorced has been extremely challenging for me. Four years after our wedding, my world was shattered. My husband violated our marriage vows, and all of my attempts for reconciliation failed. I am fortunate to have a loving support group consisting of church, family and friends. Some of my friends are suggesting that I should date. I do have my lonely times, but I don’t want to have a ‘repeat performance.’ In some ways I feel blessed by being single. I’m not sure I want to participate in the ‘dating game.’ Could you offer me some tips?

Sincerely,

Beth Ann

Dear Beth Ann,

Your letter is not the typical type that I receive from divorced women. It appears to me that you are progressing along quite nicely. One of the contributing factors to your progress is your support team who are cheering you on. Unfortunately, there are many women who simply don’t have a support group in place. As a therapist, I always encourage my clients to actively pursue the establishment of one. Isolation is a blockade for recovery. Generally, I instruct them to take an inventory and make a written list of possible prospects for support, i.e., family, church friends, other friends, co-workers, and neighbors. Asking for help is a sign of wisdom and maturity. The pains and pitfalls of divorce will be minimized once a support group is in place. Many churches have these groups. You asked for some tips. Let me ‘cook-up a pot of possibilities’ for you to add to your ‘menu.’

Remember that bad things happen to good people. Your divorce not only brought sorrow to you but God’s heart was broken as well. Isaiah 63:9 reads, ‘In all their suffering he also suffered, and he personally rescued them. You and your son, are not alone. God is with you, (John 14:18.) Trust Him and he will get you through this difficult time. This verse in the Message Bible will be encouraging to you as well, ‘No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it’, (1 Corinthians 10:13.)

Don’t let anyone tell you that, as a Christian, your divorce disqualifies you from participating in God’s Kingdom. Unfortunately some believe that you have to sit on the sidelines and settle for a ‘second-class’ existence. When life-altering events occur in our lives, God will create a new destiny for you. The Living Bible puts it this way, ‘But forget all that – it is nothing compared to what I’m going to do! For I’m going to do a brand new thing. See, I have already begun!’ (Isaiah 43:18-19). It is an indictment on the Church, but too many spiritual leaders treat divorcees as though they have committed the ‘unpardonable sin’! God forgives, and He will not only restore you, He will lead you into some wonderful and new possibilities.

Stay close to your family and your friends. They will be a healthy ‘sounding board’ for you. Feeling lonely is quite normal. When you feel the need to be around someone, turn to your support group.

Don’t begin the ‘dating game’ until you feel you are ready. Pray and set a time-line during which time you will not date anyone. Covenant with God to devote all of your love and devotion to Him during this time. Make a written list of the type of person you desire for God to bring into your life. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t fulfill the list. Purpose in your heart that you will not date any man who doesn’t love God more than you do. If you and your husband-to-be love God and are seeking Him with all your hearts, you will be drawn together by the magnet of His grace. Keep your emotions ‘watered’ by prayer and the Word of God.

Don’t overlook your son’s needs. This ordeal is very difficult for him. Stay close to him and give him the security and love that he needs. Arrange times for him to be with his grandparents and members of your support group. A good Christian child psychologist will be able to assist you. A good source for written material can be located by googling jamesdobson.com.

Be encouraged; He is with you!

Dr. B.

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