My last Tall Tale was all about the glorious benefits of vodka and, well, that tale was more popular than I could ever have imagined.

I only listed two of the seven ways because I ran out of room. Cynthia Calvert, owner and publisher of The Trib, is funny that way. I get a finite number of words – and that’s it.

I got emails and was stopped at my neighborhood Kroger by inquiring minds who wanted to know: What are those other five uses?

So, before I run out of room again, here are the remaining five reasons why you should be imbibing or investing in vodka – really!

First, a quick summary. This came from Town and Country Magazine and the authors claim that vodka was invented as medicine. I guess that justifies the first two reasons I listed: vodka is a natural disinfectant and it relieves tension, so you can use it to clean your floors, drink whatever is left over, and ease the tension caused by all that vodka you haven’t been drinking.

I doubt if any vodka brand has earned the American Heart Association’s seal of approval, but the authors claim it’s heart healthy. It increases blood flow and circulation, preventing clots, strokes and heart disease, and, if I drink enough of the stuff, maybe I could throw away my cholesterol tablets because the authors also claim that it lowers cholesterol.

Trying to lose weight? Vodka is low calorie, just don’t munch on Kroger Kettle Chips at the same time.

Do you have bad skin? Acne? Clean your face with your fave vodka. Remember how I wrote earlier that it’s a disinfectant? Before you deep clean your floors with it, deep clean your pores. The authors insist it’ll tighten your skin. Now I understand all this talk about getting “tight” with vodka.

I’m so sorry. This whole Tale just drips with bad puns, but I promised several readers that I’d share the “other” benefits of vodka – and I’ve still got three to go.

Okay, you’ve unloaded that bottle on the floor and you’ve swabbed it on your face. Now you need to swish it – not swallow – swish it in your mouth. Yes, the authors claim that it’s better than mouthwash because a shot of it gets rid of bad breath.

Let me see if I understand this. After a night of serious drinking, swish a shot of vodka and the boss will never know?

Do you have arthritis? Vodka can fix that, according to the authors. They claim patients with rheumatoid arthritis who drank vodka throughout the month felt less pain and inflammation. You know what I’m going to write next – if you drink enough vodka throughout the month, you won’t feel any pain.

And the 7tth reason that vodka isn’t just for drinking anymore? It can reduce your risk of diabetes. The authors claim that a shot of vodka reduces your blood sugar levels. Beer and wine can’t do that. Don’t mix it with anything. Just straight vodka, down the hatch.

Now you know, and you have Town and Country Magazine to thank for justifying your nightly martinis.

Who needs the keto diet when the key to a heart-healthy, skin-cleaning, breath-cleansing, arthritis- and diabetes-reducing solution can be found on the nearest shelf of your favorite liquor store?

Tom Broad
Author: Tom BroadEmail: This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.
Columnist
Besides being a proud graduate of The University of Nebraska-Lincoln and, therefore, a Cornhusker, I am retired from Memorial Hermann. I am a correspondent and columnist for Lake Houston's hometown paper, The Tribune, as well as a director of the Lake Houston Redevelopment Corporation, a member of the board of the Humble Area Assistance Ministries, and Volunteer Extraordinaire for the Lake Houston Area Chamber.