THE DEN – Now for some down time, a good book, a nice drink and…Odd, the doorbell is ringing. Who would be calling at this time of a rainy night? I open the door and there is a short man wearing a gray Fedora and a beard that still has the price tag on it. He’s dressed in a trench coat with the collar turned up and, on this dark night, is wearing sunglasses. “May I help you?” I inquire. “That depends,” he says in a whisper. “Is the yellow camel in Toledo?” “I beg your pardon?” “Mango wears a dirty jumpsuit.” “You’re not making any sense.” He pulls a piece of paper from his coat pocket and reads: “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was a union member?” “Go away.” “This is 1234 Split Slab Alley, isn’t it?” “No, that’s across the street. Guy by the name of Jack Boot. Came from Argentina. Stays indoors.” “Then I’m at the wrong house, and I blew my cover. Now I’ll have to kill you. Can I borrow a gun?” “Didn’t you come by here a couple of years ago with some conspiratorial spiel? Back then you claimed the Trans-Texas Corridor was the first step towards the U.S. Losing its sovereignty. I never heard so much paranoid claptrap.” “You notice the corridor is dead.” “So is Amelia Earhart, no matter what you claimed.” “You are the gullible one, aren’t you? Incidentally, have you noticed that you never see Ted Koppel and Howdy Doody at the same time? And what’s more…wait.” He looks up. “Are those black helicopters I see? They can beam radio signals to your brain. Got that straight from Ross Perot.” “What’s your name?” “Call me Knoll. Grassy Knoll. Actually that’s my cover. My real name is Jimmy Hoffa. I’m a member of a super-secret organization called the Birthers. We’re in all the papers.” “How super-secret can you be if…never mind. Are the Birthers anything like the John Birchers?” “The Birchers are a bunch of conspiratorial kooks. The Birthers, however, have solid evidence that Barack Obama can’t be President because he wasn’t born in the U.S. Here’s proof .” He hands me a worn sheet of paper. It reads, “Barack O’Bama was born in County Cork.” “This is ridiculous.” “Oops. Wrong proof,” he says. “Obama isn’t an American citizen because he was born in Hawaii.” “That’s part of America.” “So he says, if there really is a Hawaii. Just like his claim about global warming. Every reputable scientist knows that any temperature increase – and we deny there is any – is caused by Volvos, MSNBC and over heating latte. As for Obama, if that really is his name, he was born in Kenya. I know because Lou Dobbs said so.” “You people are so sick. Lots of presidential candidates have had questions about their birthplace. John McCain was born in the Panama Canal Zone. No problem. Barry Goldwater was born in Arizona Territory. George Romney was born in Mexico. There is overwhelming proof that President Obama was born in Hawaii. His birth certificate has been validated by Hawaiian authorities. Both Honolulu newspapers carried announcements of his birth back in 1961. There is not a shred of evidence that he wasn’t born there.” “Can you prove it to Glenn Beck?” “You can’t prove a negative. Like proving there are no WMDs in Iraq and there are no little green men in freezers in Roswell.” “Not Roswell. They’re hidden in an undisclosed location along with Michael Jackson and Sasquatch.” “What’s really embarrassing is that six Texas Congressmen are among those who want to require future presidential candidates to prove they were born in the U.S. Don’t our lawmakers have more important things to do, like making sure there is enough Swine Flu vaccine?” “The phony Swine Flu scare is a government attempt to control our lives.” “Go away.” I close the door, but shortly the doorbell rings again. It’s Grassy Knoll. He looks furtively around. “The Administration’s new health care plan will let old people die. You’ll have to put Grandma on an ice floe and push her out to sea.” “That’s another one of those fear rumors that paranoids like you keep spreading. You’re putting out falsehoods to susceptible, if not downright stupid, people who will believe anything. It was the late Josef Goebbels who said that if you repeat a lie long enough and often enough, people will believe it. He called it the Big Lie.” “The LATE Josef Goebbels? Who do you think lives at 1234 Split Slab Alley?” “You people could be dangerous.” “I’ll give you dangerous. Why didn’t FDR alert Pearl Harbor about the Japanese attack that he knew was coming? And what about 8/11?” “You mean 9/11.” “Yeah, finally. It was put off a day by the CIA.” “How come you’re telling me all of this?” “Because we know we can trust you, Elvis.” Ashby conspires at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

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