“I gotta great story for one of your columns,” said Mary Ann. Actually, she had two, but one I’ll definitely have to keep percolating in the old crock pot on super simmer till Christmas. Besides clicking the old keyboard for the newspaper, I also have a part-time job a couple of days a week at a lovely local hotel. Now have I got a sweet deal for you! If anyone out there guesses correctly which hotel, I’ll send them a free coupon for one of our delicious full breakfasts. And no, I am not involved in the cooking. My boss is smart enough not to let me near the kitchen. He’s heard that preparing breakfast for over a family of five consists of a couple of pieces of toast and juice at the Frantz house. The hotel is where I met Mary Ann, who I have the privilege of working with. Nicest lady you’d ever want to meet. She’s also a mom with a couple of teenage daughters … a deadly combination for some major drama for sure. Seems Mary Ann was driving Mary Catherine to school one morning several weeks back. It was one of those late arrival days at the high school. I understand they were running on a tight schedule. But with a little Irish luck they would certainly pull up to the prescribed drop off zone just in time for the piercing ring of the first bell. As her vehicle trucked toward the high school, Mary Ann noticed some sort of lumpy deceased animal a short distance ahead in her lane of traffic. “It was about the size of an opossum,” she indicated. In an instant, Mary Ann determined the road kill could easily be avoided with a slight vehicle adjustment to the right. Too bad the vehicle in front of her didn’t use that tactic. The driver was probably too busy chatting on their cell phone, applying mascara and chowing down on a pop tart, all at the same time, to notice they had hit a fresh carcass. Not certain if Mary Ann actually heard the SPAT, but she certainly saw the results splattered in extra lumpy entrails all across the windshield of her car. “YUCK!,” Mary Ann shouted, as she frantically searched around the car for some tissue, newspaper, old gym shorts, or paper towels to remove the offensive mess. But, of course, there is never any of that stuff when you really need it. I’m just glad she didn’t consider using the windshield wipers. Can you just imagine what that would have looked like? “Mary Catherine, I’ve got to pull over and get something to clean off this yuck,” Mary Ann explained frantically to her daughter. “Mom, there is no way we are stopping. I’ll be late to school for sure,” said a desperate Mary Catherine, pressuring her mom to keep on moving. I imagined Mary Ann’s breakfast slowly rising up in her throat as the splattered vehicle finally turned into the high school parking lot. And it probably seemed like an hour creeping behind all the other cars waiting for their turn to deposit children at the high school’s entrance. When Mary Ann’s automobile finally did come to a stop to let Mary Catherine exit, the unanticipated happened. You see, there were also a number of students who drive cars to school walking across the high school parking lot heading for the same entrance. When they crossed in front of Mary Ann’s vehicle and turned to look at the car they were passing, I betcha nine dollars the wide-eyes looks rivaled any from the latest teen slasher movie. Chances are very good that if you asked Mary Catherine, she wouldn’t mind a bit being late for school the next time animal intestines are tossed all over her mother’s car. Oh, and did I tell you that the sun was shining brightly that morning? In fact, it musta been shining extra bright. It is probably why when Mary Ann stopped at the coffee shop down the road from the high school to retrieve a large wad of napkins, the road kill entrails were super glued to her windshield. Yep, I had to agree … Mary Ann really did have a great story for a column. You just can’t make this kind of stuff up. Dixie Frantz is a Kingwood resident and newspaper columnist for the past decade. E-mail Dixie with your hotel guesses and comments at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it..

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